Relationships and tattoos

[UglyButProud]

Man.... I could write for hours about my relationship/family and tattoos

I met my wife when I was 29. We were both in the throes of early-life (as opposed to mid-life) career crisis and met in college. I had already lived a hard, but fun life and she was well traveled, but somewhat sheltered in, ahem, alternative lifestyles. I had already been travelling, getting tattooed for 11 years and had 1 full sleeve and both legs from hip to ankle completely covered. We met in winter and I was fully clothed and not really advertising any ink. She saw the tattoos on my knuckles and peeking out from under my shirt cuffs, but wasn't deterred from getting to know me.

Once we started actually dating (and therefore getting nekkid) she told me "as soon as I saw tattoos on your knuckles, I knew you had A LOT of tattoos". To me, that was like receiving her approval, no matter how off handed. I started to notice quickly just how different we were in terms of of our background, and the way we had gotten to this point in our lives.

She was Pavorotti, I was a punk...She spoke French, I knew drug-speak...She had friends at the country club , I used a club on some ex-friends....you get the idea. Culinary school and our shared love for cooking was our common denominator. We laughed and loved and became the best of friends and through all of that, tattoos were never an issue. Both of our careers took off wildly and for what little "me" time I had, I wasn't having any desire to get tattooed. Mind you, not "never again". just not at the new, exciting and extremely busy time in my life.

At this point the relationship is going well and I find myself accepting of EVERYTHING that I had told myself I would never, ever do....namely, getting married and having kids! It felt good to be settling into, what my parents would call "a normal adult". Normal is a relative term for me, and even though I was getting married and planning a family, I never wanted to give up all the things I held dear. My future bride seemed to be on board too, saying "I would never ask you to give up the things you love (music/tattoos etc.)". We even had many discussions about tattoos and the fact that, even though they weren't for her, she didn't really care what I did. good to know........

Fast forward about 18 years: My wife and I are still in love and have 2 pretty great kids. We've both since changed careers and things are going pretty well. I had always kept a distant eye on tattooing and what was going on with it. I always had in the back of my mind that the itch would come back and I would ride out my "later years" with some new ink. This was all in the back of my mind though and I never really talked about tattoos with my wife. I suspected that she had some growing concerns about the tattoos as my kids reached school age and I started to volunteer there. I was asked, by her, to "not wear shorts" when I volunteered or "can you put a band aid over the bad word" (I have a big Sailor Jerry dagger with the words "death before suck-ass" down my left shin). I understood but never had any idea of what was about to come.

One day my wife came to me and said " would you ever consider getting any of your tattoos removed?"

I was floored and I asked "which one(s)?"

She said "well, from your knees down to your ankles on both legs", and she was serious.

I didn't know how to respond except to say "Never!!!"

She tried to explain that she thought that my tattoos where somehow hurting our (read:her) status in her job and in the community. I was flabbergasted...the women i had spent 18 years with was now, in my mind, against me and what i believed in. The conversation ended with me angrily saying " I'd rather cut my fucking legs off"

to be continued..........

[Suiren]

@UglyButProud

Wow...when I started reading your story I was like "that is what real love is supposed to be like"...you know, against all odds and differences. I hope she will come around and accept your tattoos...share your thoughts with her just like you wrote here. She must understand.

[beez]

@UglyButProud WHOA. I am eager to see how this plays out. I am sorry that you're going through this though, because damn, after 18 years, that's gotta hurt badly.

[TrixieFaux]

Sorry @UglyButProud, I think that is shallow of her. You are who you are, tattoos and all.

[Bmore]

@LizBee now that's true love!!

@UglyButProud I feel like your username is a perfect summary of your story. I can't speak for anyone else here, but I certainly don't have the experience in life or relationships to really speak on your relationship with your wife. But I will say this: 18 years is a long fucking time, and I hope you're able to settle this subject with the woman you've spent such a significant amount of time with.

[LizBee]

@UglyButProud, I have to agree with the above comments, though I don't like to pass judgment on your wife.

It is based on her fears of losing her credibility at work, I suppose, which is not a small thing these days, and sometimes it is easier to make adjustments to the comfortable and secure world we know (you, her husband) than attempt to buck the system and prove that the image possibly portrayed by her husband does not have a bearing on her own work as a professional woman. I hope she will be brave and proud and show the world a thing or two. It may be easier than she thinks - tattooed people do not bear the stigma they once did, and she may find that many of her colleagues have quite elaborate but hidden tattoos themselves.

[UglyButProud]

...continued

So now I've been told by my wife that she would like me to get the tattoos from my knees to my ankles removed. It hit me completely out of left field, didn't know how to feel except pretty hurt. You see, about 8 years before all this, my wife decided to change careers again and got her realtors license. She started selling real estate and was pretty successful right away. We live in a normal middle class area just a few miles north of Detroit. With things going pretty well for her after the first year or 2, she decided it was time to start going after bigger (read: $$$$) business and she changed companies she was a broker for. The new company she started working for is just a couple miles north of were we live. The new company also just happens to be in one the most affluent areas in S.E. Michigan.

I'm sure you're thinking "uh oh" and so did I at the time of her decision to work in this area. The town and it's inhabitants are generally snooty rich assholes, not all mind you, but for the most part it's a mix of new/old money. I grew up in suburban poverty, so I already had a chip on my shoulder, not to mention having a few shitty experiences dealing with these snobs. I saw my wife wanting to work in this area as counter intuitive. She had done well for herself in the real estate business by being honest/down to earth and all the qualities you want when you're making the biggest purchase of your life. Now she wanted to proverbially "swim with sharks". My wife and I had many long conversations about the people she worked with/for, she being concerned that she "didn't fit in" and "those people can SMELL what you're made of" (meaning not from money). I supported and reassured her "just be yourself, it's gotten you this far...don't get caught up in all that pretend, rich folks game". She still had her clientele from the more "normal" areas surrounding where we lived, so it wasn't total immersion in the new game. She continued being successful but, breaking into the new area was tough, she knew she wasn't "one of them". She was determined to make this work, but insisted it would be on her own terms and she wouldn't become "them"...... fight the power, we've all been there right?

Years go by and things are going well. We have 2 great kids and life is hunky dory.... My life is whizzing by and so many other things take precedence over getting tattooed that I hadn't stopped to realize how long it had actually been. I'm one of those people who get really focused on the moment and don't always see the big picture. I go back to college and get a degree in graphic design and get really focused on changing careers. I'm also in the thick of having a family and between the two, my plate is FULL!

I start to notice small things about how tattoos are fitting into my 'normal" everyday life. You pull up to your kids school with shorts and a t-shirt, and even though the town you live in is pretty progressive/liberal, people stare and whisper. You volunteer in your kids classes and other parents start to take sides. You try you're hardest to get to know everyone in the situations you are absolutely 'REQUIRED" to be involved in and people still assume the worst about you....it's a dilemma as old as time. I've always stood solidly behind my beliefs, so I had no problem tuning the haters out...shit, I spent my whole life being the black sheep - so a bunch closed minded parents was just another day at the office.

Well, it turns out, my dear wife, who had the same sort of opposition with her job, didn't see it the same way. When I said "fuck those people" and stood my ground, she wasn't fully behind me. I had made a lot of parent-friends and wasn't strictly a middle finger to everyone around the schoolyard. I could tell that my wife wasn't comfortable with what was being assumed about me, but it wasn't always vocalized by her. I started getting comments from her like " when you volunteer, please don't wear shorts" or "can you put on a different shirt when you pick up the kids" but these comments were infrequent. I was smart enough to know not to wear a GG Allin shirt or the ANTiSEEN hat that says "fuck all y'all" to school. I knew there was a growing concern in my wife's eyes but I figured if I kept everything in check, it would all just kinda fade, plus, this was the women dealt with the same type of dumb shit at her job so we had an unspoken understanding. She had some run-ins with a group of moms and was pretty disgusted by it all, we commiserated and I really thought we were on the same page. Then it happened.... those same mothers decided to wage a mini war on my family. Their kids were kept away from my kids after school, new haters were recruited into their group, all of the sudden it was like a suburban turf war. My wife and I (and our group of friends) just went about our business and tried to ignore all the nonsense. It followed us through everything we were involved with at school though, and for my wife, the final straw came when I was told I was no longer needed as a parent volunteer. It wasn't put in those exact terms, it was more like "we're going to start rotating volunteers to give other parents a chance so we don't need you to help anymore". Welp, guess who the other parents "volunteering" were? My wife kind of got the same treatment with some other committees/activities she was involved with at school. I was pissed but wasn't going to play the game. I was secure in who/what I was and would not be subject to the dislike of parent who thought they were still in high school. I had plenty of parent friends who liked my family so I wasn't worried we'd be run out of town by a lynch mob...... My wife had different thoughts though........

to be continued......

[Suiren]

Hm...to be honest...all these people passing judgement so easily, I would not want to be on good terms with them anyway. What you are experiencing imho only filters the good people from the judgemental shallow assholes. So you don't need to waste your energy on them. More time for the good people.

As far as a job goes, we all need money to survive, but how much do we really need to be happy? I used to work in a well paid job in Manhattan, but that wasn't my world and instead of selling my soul I now work a simpler job. Less money, more peace and happiness.

Even without that many tattoos I have been sort of a loner all of my life. I guess I come across as a weirdo to people naturally...I really don't know. But my experience is the mainstream usually avoids me but if I do make friends in the right places (Goths, Metalheads, Medieval Reenactment), people absolutely love me.

Quality friends over everyone liking you and the image you have.

[TrixieFaux]

Oy, the parents, @UglyButProud! Kids won't be in school forever, this is a stage that will pass. I see some parents get SO caught up in "school life"--volunteering, always there, gossiping...I sometimes wonder what they will do when their kids aren't in elementary school any more. Will they be like that at the middle school and high school? How about when their kids graduate? Not that there's anything wrong with volunteering...but volunteering and thinking they own the school & passing judgment on other parents...that's just lame. At some point they will have to move on and take up other interests. I feel bad for your kids, they are the innocent ones with closed minded people not allowing their kids to be their friends, teaching their kids to be closed minded, too. All you can do is what you are doing, ignore the naysayers because you are better off without them anyway. But, you really need a few more clarifying conversations with your wife. Maybe you can show her what you wrote here so she knows exactly how you are taking this... I teach elementary school in Los Angeles. There are so many tattooed parents here, I don't think the haters can keep up :D.

[DavidR]

@UglyButProud You're never going to win over those assholes at your kids' school so don't even try (not that I think you plan to). Even if you did what your wife has asked, you're always going to be on the outside to those dicks. I suspect attempting to fit in would just make them despise you even more. I think if you talked about that with your wife, she might reluctantly have to agree.

As far as her career is concerned, you can agree to cover up when interacting with her colleagues and clients. That's not too much to ask.

By far the biggest concern is the schism between you and your wife. The fact that she's not prepared to stand by you is a real concern. Clearly you're gonna have to talk to her but make it clear that while there are things you're prepared to do, removal is absolutely not on the cards.

[ElizabethBee]

I am a 35 year old moderately tattooed woman and I could not care less if my partner is or is not tattooed. I have been in relationships with men who were heavily tattooed, moderately tattooed like me, and I am now engaged to a man that has no tattoos at all. I equate it with sharing a hobby with someone, while it may be ideal to have the same hobby as someone, it's not a deal breaker for me by any means. My fiancee is really in to volleyball - I don't play, nor do I really have any interest in playing - but I'll cheer him on at tournaments.

Being tattooed and getting tattooed is not the biggest priority in my life. It doesn't define who I am.

[UglyButProud]

Continued....(I promise this will be the last installment)

So the wife is obviously feeling pressure from her social and career circles to be something she isn't. Like I mentioned earlier, I've been flying the middle finger at "normal" society for so long, it's almost cliché. Her and I have a pretty long history together at this point so I may not get a pat on the back and the "I'm proud you have so MANY tattoos", but I at least still feel, she's got my back. My kids are shaken by it but they have so many other friends in and outside of school, the sting only last temporarily. Just from the sheer osmosis of seeing their parents be proud to be who they are ( I assume), they quickly adopt the "I don't have time for people that don't like me " credo. I'm proud they're our kids and think this will pass and give them good fundamentals about real life. My wife seems to get over it too, but in a more therapeutic, cry with your friends type of way. We talk about it and she agrees that "some people just suck" regardless of the reason they chose to take it out on you..... Even though we come to an agreement that tattoos weren't the root cause of all this dumb school crap, I tell her that I will be on my best "tattoo behavior" when the need arises, like her formal work events or anytime she thinks I should cover up.

As I said earlier, the whole time we've been together, I haven't gotten tattooed or really expressed any burning desires to. There was casual mentions of eventually getting more work done, but nothing definite or planned. So out of nowhere I get the "have you ever thought of getting tattoos removed" question. In my mind, life has been going well and all the perceived craziness about tattoos causing social damage in my families life, is in the past.

As I mentioned, I was pretty upset and hurt by the question. It wasn't like my tattoos were done by some lousy scratcher or in a Russian prison, my tattoos were well done, colorful, and with the exception of the "death before suck-ass" dagger, appropriate. My wife tried to explain all of the reasons that she thought it would be a good idea, most of which, had something to do with social situations. I always had an answer to her concerns...

Q;What if there's a formal party? A: I'll wear a tuxedo and look more handsome than I already am! (jokingly)

Q:what if we have to go to a summer party with my important clients? A: I'll wear white pants and a blazer (like Thurston Howell)

Q: what if it's a swim party? A: I won't swim (tell them I can't), just stand back and watch.

You get the idea...... I told my wife in no uncertain terms, I'm more likely to cut off my legs than get the tattoos removed. She didn't like the answer but knew she couldn't reasonably go any farther with it. She said she was sorry she felt this way, but truly loved me. I said "if you truly love me, you wouldn't feel this way and ask me something so absurd". I was really bummed that the women I had been through so much with, was acting like one of "them"!! I think she had a bit of a crisis over the whole thing, because I think she planned the outcome to end differently and I would just happily agree to remove solid, beautiful tattooing, on a large portion of my body. Thankfully, she talked/cried/drank it out with a group of her close friends that rationally told her she was insane for asking of me what she did. Even people in her own family talked her away from these unrealistic notions and told her how lucky she was to a not be married to a "social automaton" (her aunt said that). She told me " I came to my sense and realized I was way out of line" and thanked me for being a great husband and father, tattoos or not. I was still a little hurt but relieved I didn't have to chop off my legs or get a divorce.

This brings us up to 8 months ago.... I decided that the time was right to get more work done. I was sparked by seeing a local artists hand painted flash (included in an art show) in the newspaper. I was nervous, but cautiously approached my wife with the idea. Her reaction was a stern "NO" followed by a short lecture about "haven't we already been through this?". I reminded her that I hadn't been tattooed in well over 18 years and we never specifically discussed this, just causal mentions. I reasoned with her that any tattoo I was going get would not really change anyone's perception of how covered I already was. My left wrist has a Seth Ciferri piece and left forearm is covered by a Dan Higgs piece. other than those, I really wanted to "finish my arm" I told my wife. I also told her this was a good opportunity to get the kids names tattooed on me, something I always wanted to do since they were born. She reluctantly agreed with the stern warning "no hands/face/feet".

A week later I was getting tattooed again...... But, I've since expanded our agreement to get "just my arm" to include my chest/pecs and some minor fill-in stuff on my legs....

Ain't life grand:):):):):):):):):)

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Oy, the parents, @UglyButProud! Kids won't be in school forever, this is a stage that will pass. I see some parents get SO caught up in "school life"--volunteering, always there, gossiping...I sometimes wonder what they will do when their kids aren't in elementary school any more. Will they be like that at the middle school and high school? How about when their kids graduate? Not that there's anything wrong with volunteering...but volunteering and thinking they own the school & passing judgment on other parents...that's just lame. At some point they will have to move on and take up other interests. I feel bad for your kids, they are the innocent ones with closed minded people not allowing their kids to be their friends, teaching their kids to be closed minded, too. All you can do is what you are doing, ignore the naysayers because you are better off without them anyway. But, you really need a few more clarifying conversations with your wife. Maybe you can show her what you wrote here so she knows exactly how you are taking this... I teach elementary school in Los Angeles. There are so many tattooed parents here, I don't think the haters can keep up :D.

Thanks.. As I said "required" situations like school...jeezus, I would never willing put myself in close proximity with those jackals if it wasn't for the kids. Most of those awful parents have just resurrected their high school clique hierarchy (or lack of) to prove how important they really are. It seems to be quite prevalent in elementary where teachers ask for volunteers and parents spend every non-working moment helicoptering around their kids. luckily middle school teachers want none of this crap (my daughter is already there) an the closest you have to come to any of these stepford mothers, is in the drop off lane... don't get me started on kids sports!

Glad to hear there are some "good ones" holding down rationality on this crazy world of elementary schools :)

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@UglyButProud You're never going to win over those assholes at your kids' school so don't even try (not that I think you plan to). Even if you did what your wife has asked, you're always going to be on the outside to those dicks. I suspect attempting to fit in would just make them despise you even more. I think if you talked about that with your wife, she might reluctantly have to agree.

As far as her career is concerned, you can agree to cover up when interacting with her colleagues and clients. That's not too much to ask.

By far the biggest concern is the schism between you and your wife. The fact that she's not prepared to stand by you is a real concern. Clearly you're gonna have to talk to her but make it clear that while there are things you're prepared to do, removal is absolutely not on the cards.

thanks...damn straight, but I've known this all my life. It's just taken my wife a little longer to realize. I hope she doesn't have a change of heart because I gotten and plan on getting some pretty kick-ass work done. Didn't a women chop her husbands penis off as he slept....?

[pidjones]

Bobbit.

[jaredlynwood]

I had never even thought about it, but is it really happened that anyone get attracted to anyone just because of tattoos?

[LizBee]

I had never even thought about it, but is it really happened that anyone get attracted to anyone just because of tattoos?

Yes, it is like any other feature of a person. Some are attracted to a particular hair color or style, eye color, manner of dressing, sound of voice, anything. "I love a man in uniform..." etc. Tattoos say something about a person.

I'm sure the opposite is true as well - someone might meet a tattooed person and immediately decide they do NOT like them because of that, but after they get to know them they stop seeing the tattoos and see the person, and the tattoos no longer factor into their impression.

[Northsider]

I guess I'm lucky in that my partner, who has two small tattoos, was totally stoked when I started my sleeve.

I should add that although he was totally down with the tattoo, it's not anything goes. I wanted to stretch my ears, and he rather strenuously objected to that. After a lot of discussion, some of it tense, I agreed to forego that particular body modification.

The recent tattooing has got him started on moving forward with a tattoo that he's been thinking about for about three years now.

[Colored Guy]

My wife was a big shot in local banking and finance for years and I've been to quite a few parties and events along the way for her job. Most of the time, suits or a tux were required, other more casual times I wore a long sleeved dress shirt and dress pants. Once some people she worked with saw I had some tattoo work, they came out of the woodwork and showed me theirs. One run of management there had a no-visible-ink at work campaign going. I think one girl was fired since she had so many that were hard to cover up completely.

I always had them covered when I went to my kid's school events. Some parents knew, but it didn't matter to them. I had one complaint from a parent when my kids were in scouts and I was an outdoor coordinator. The scout master blew her off since her fine example of a husband was in prison for drug dealing.

My take on snotty people, they always have to take sides against someone, maybe it would be your house, your car or something else. Rise above it. My wife wasn't crazy about my tattoo obsession, but it was more from a $$ viewpoint than anything. I never took a cent out of the household for a tattoo either.

[rufio]

My wife was a big shot in local banking and finance for years and I've been to quite a few parties and events along the way for her job. Most of the time, suits or a tux were required, other more casual times I wore a long sleeved dress shirt and dress pants. Once some people she worked with saw I had some tattoo work, they came out of the woodwork and showed me theirs. One run of management there had a no-visible-ink at work campaign going. I think one girl was fired since she had so many that were hard to cover up completely.

I always had them covered when I went to my kid's school events. Some parents knew, but it didn't matter to them. I had one complaint from a parent when my kids were in scouts and I was an outdoor coordinator. The scout master blew her off since her fine example of a husband was in prison for drug dealing.

My take on snotty people, they always have to take sides against someone, maybe it would be your house, your car or something else. Rise above it. My wife wasn't crazy about my tattoo obsession, but it was more from a $$ viewpoint than anything. I never took a cent out of the household for a tattoo either.

cool too see that when people notice your tattoos, they show theirs even they're in the bank world.

[joakim urma]

This thread is packed with a lot of good stories, ideas and shared experiences. People who consider getting any type of coverage should spend some time reading it before making the decision. A lot of this stuff you don't notice or know about until you are one of the freaks yourself. (Too late for most of us on here anyway.. haha)

Thank you @UglyButProud for sharing your stories and struggles. Was a good read, gave both toughts and inspiration!

[Micky Vansittart]

I thought my love of tattoos and wanting much more in the future would be a potential problem for a new guy in my life as he has only one very old small tattoo that he's eventually like removed.

Turns out he's not phased at all. But then currently I only have a few very small tattoos and one 5 hour lace/mandala piece on the back of my lower leg. I will be getting more.

Might be interesting to see how far I can push it ;)

[Sick]

I thought my love of tattoos and wanting much more in the future would be a potential problem for a new guy in my life as he has only one very old small tattoo that he's eventually like removed.

Turns out he's not phased at all. But then currently I only have a few very small tattoos and one 5 hour lace/mandala piece on the back of my lower leg. I will be getting more.

Might be interesting to see how far I can push it ;)

For me it;s a mystery why girls are worried about getting tattooes...girls are beautiful, with more tattooes they can only be...more beautiful?!

[Micky Vansittart]

For me it;s a mystery why girls are worried about getting tattooes...girls are beautiful, with more tattooes they can only be...more beautiful?!

You're right of course. Tattoo's or no, asking for approval on any part of my appearance shouldn't be a factor.

I think as it was early on, perhaps I was just trying to manage his expectations... "oi, matey! see these? More will happen. But it's OK, there will still be boobs"

[Sick]

You're right of course. Tattoo's or no, asking for approval on any part of my appearance shouldn't be a factor.

I think as it was early on, perhaps I was just trying to manage his expectations... "oi, matey! see these? More will happen. But it's OK, there will still be boobs"

I wish you would have started with " boobs " so I could say you had me at "boobs" As it is, you had me at funny reply :)

Tattoo with impunity and feel great in your skin..that's what makes you hot and sexy...and boobs obv

[Micky Vansittart]

I wish you would have started with " boobs " so I could say you had me at "boobs" As it is, you had me at funny reply :)

Tattoo with impunity and feel great in your skin..that's what makes you hot and sexy...and boobs obv

Totes obvs

[SeeSea]

Wow - I haven't read this thread for several weeks and the last 7 or 8 pages have been pretty heavy.

@beez - wow, first (((hugs))) and I echo what so many have already said. What a kick in the stomach. What's worse sometimes, is realizing after the fact that someone has been slowly changing their thinking over years and you've been out of sync with that, even though you spend so much time together. So for them, they are just verbalizing a feeling they've developed and carried over that time and it may come across as no big deal. But for you, that progression never occurred because you never thought it was an issue. My first thought was, what a douche bag. I'm really saddened that you had to go through this - you are a wonderfully thoughtful person and I enjoy reading your posts.

It seems like lately in a couple of threads there are discussions of getting old with tattoos and using tattoos to correct the negative effects of aging. It probably wouldn't be feasible, but wouldn't a great thread be to show before and after pictures? My back tattoo completely obliterates any embarrassment I had over some unsightly sagging areas.

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@ProudButUgly - what a story. Thank you for sharing that. There are so many things I'd like to say about what you wrote, but ultimately it comes down to your family at this point. I'm really glad you had this opportunity to work with your kids and show them both sides of the petty junior high school attitudes. They will carry this forward with them and hopefully be able to apply it to other situations where they see people marginalized. I hope all goes well with your wife and that your offers to cover up as she requests help her overcome whatever negative effects she thinks your tattoos have on her career, etc. So much of life is compromise, but she's probably not going to like dealing with all the blood on the couch after you chop off your legs. Sorry - a little humor, but I really hope this settles and works out for you both.