Funny Bible Interpretations

[Barbie Doll]

With all the Pacquiao drama going on, this has been popping up again. I, personally, find it thoroughly entertaining...;)

Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.........

Dear Dr. Laura

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town

together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

Jack

[Abellve]

"

[CultExciter]

This thread has made me incredibly happy. It makes me think of this scene in Religulous:

[Hunter Morrow]

I loved that scene. There are tons of good lines there...

"What do you suppose it says about the seriousness of a religion if somebody can be an ordained minister when they are 10?"

"People must know that their money goes to finance their preacher's elaborate outfits. What are those shoes? Gators?"

"Lizards."

"Well, the people want their minister to look good."

"Isn't that what pimps say?"

"The apostle Paul stated that the only clothes he had was the clothes that he was wearing. Can I assume that is your only 2000 dollar suit?"

Preacher saying he gets a discount on his handmade suits from a Muslim at a discount and was formerly a Muslim

"You're a Christian now, you were formerly a Muslim, and when you get your suits you buy them a like a Jew."

[Abellve]

...Why can't I own Canadians?...

Ha! I missed that the first time around.

[Barbie Doll]

That one was the winner for me

[Ursula]

As a Canadian in the USA, my husband doesn't own me but he does legally have the power to have me deported hahhahaha. For real.

[Hunter Morrow]

I think the Canadian one really flew over my head because it was a "code word" for Blacks when I was growing up.

Just me then?

Okay.

[AlannaCA]

I love this thread! it really made me laugh and actually encouraged how i already feel about the bible and how irrelevant it is!

[Hunter Morrow]

Video about the satire/fake news article called The Onion out of my home state of Wisconski.

The Onion Ran This Article:

Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children

Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

This is the guy talking about the reaction. Thousands of marks bought it.