it's a weird feeling.

my grandmother just had heart valve replacement surgery, and luckily she is doing just fine, but i had to ask if my dad's girlfriend was going to be at my grandparent's house. it was a hard question to text (we hardly speak on the phone anymore).

it's an awkward place to be. as a grown single child, i have been the sole witness to my parents, and i am now the point between two, very separated families. i feel torn in my own way, conflicted by my own personal thoughts and opinions, and the bonds and experiences shared throughout my lifetime with those who i am quite literally connected to, even at the times where i don't feel that connection as strongly.

i have many friends who have parents who are divorced. some are "only" children, like me. but i'm the only one i know of who has been an adult and has had to experience this. in some ways, it's a blessing. i'm old enough to not feel the blame and pressure that i might have felt as a young child, and i know better than to blame the situation on myself. but at the same time, it's hard to witness the two people who are my closest relatives and the largest form of support in my life (sometimes for better, and sometimes for worst), be torn apart. there is a loss. and there are many feelings that i have been forced to face over the last year that have not been easy to digest.

when contemplating this today, &Serenading by Mineral came to mind (how emo of me, i know), and more specifically, the first verse in particular:

will you come?

and what will i say?

"oh, i have been so distant,

and unhappy."

like i,

could disappear.

there's no escaping this reality, and i can't disappear, even if i wanted to. but, it is still a weird feeling, one that i'm still trying to figure out how to soothe. time is the best bandage that i have right now, but it's also the slowest one.